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A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over
on them easy.
So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines
and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you
ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.
This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he
agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a
five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with
three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After
an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and
goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up
and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to
A Blond Joke for Intellectuals
A Blond Joke for Intellectuals
/laugh.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='<_<' />
If this does not belong here – feel free to "move it" to the right forum/thread….
(It got moved to HERE!! )
I came across this in my archives and it still makes me /biggrin.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' />
A Kansas Sheriff stops at a farm in Osborne County, Ks and talks with an old farmer.
He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'
The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The Sheriff verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriff’s Department with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer.
'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…On any land… No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified.
The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells At the top of his lungs…..
'Your badge! Show him your badge Smartass!
/laugh.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' /> /laugh.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' />
It made me laugh, thanks for sharing.
/laugh.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' /> lol that was good.
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor … In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Steve Martin with the Steep Canyon Rangers on Austin City Limits singing "Atheists Don't Have No Songs"
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, so how's your day going?"
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a
homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homelessman. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost….
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