A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago . Nothing Is Moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold Up?'

'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

'About a gallon'

good one

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found Him resting on the seventh day..

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it.. I'm going to call

it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern

Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern

Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white

people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely

hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's the State of Texas , the most glorious place on earth. There are

beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, beaches and

plains. The people from the State of Texas are going to be handsome,

modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.

They will

be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about

balance, God? You said there would be balance…"

God smiled, "There's Washington DC . Wait till you see the idiots I put there.

This just became my favorite joke of all time! /laugh.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' />

An older married woman got hauled into court for stealing a can of peaches.

The judge asked, "Why?"

She said, "I was hungry."

The Judge said, "Sorry, you committed a crime. I have to sentence you. How many peaches were in the can?"

Woman said, "Six."

The Judge said, "I'm giving you a day in jail for every peach you took."

Just before he banged his gavel down the woman's husband said, "May I speak?"

The Judge said, "Go ahead."

The old guy said, "She stole a can of peas too."

My job is so freaking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot. But damnit, she is completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the freaking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, after work, and I'm sure during work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's. And to make things worse, he brings his big freaking dog to work. Every freaking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King every single freaking day.

Anyway, I drive these jerkwads around in my van and we solve mysteries and stuff.

Husband: "I was just wondering. If I die before you, will you remarry?"

Wife: "Yes, dear. I would."

Husband: "You would?! Would you make love?"

Wife: "Why yes, dear. Wouldn't you?"

Husband: "Well, would you let him use my golf clubs?"

Wife: "No, dear. He's left-handed."

After a long and interesting dig season, I'm finally back, and it's good to be here. I thought I'd celebrate by giving you these "puns" to ponder. Enjoy!

Ten Good Puns – A must read!

> The ability to Make and Understand Puns Is the Highest Level of Language Development. Here are the ten first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

>

> 1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

>

> 2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

>

> 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

>

> 4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

>

> 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

>

> 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!'

>

> 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to Spain; they named him 'Juan'. The other went to family in Egypt and was named 'Ahmal'. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.

>

> 8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

>

> 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good!) 'super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis'.

>

> 10. And finally… there was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

I liked the puns, my favorite was 9.