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An athiest was walking through the woods one day enjoying all the wonders of nature. He
was having one of the most pleasurable days he could ever remember. All of the sudden a
Grizzly bear broke into the clearing and chased the atheist into the woods. As the athiest was
running through the trees he tripped and the Grizzly was on top of him in a split second. The
athiest cried out " God Help Me!" At that very instant the Grizzly froze as if in suspended
animation and a bright light shone through the forrests canopy. The voice of the Almighty
boomed from the heavens. " Why do you call on me now?" The atheist replied that it was very
hippocritical to have cried out for his help during this very fatal moment. The Almighty asked
"What shall I do since ,you admit that I should not help you and yet, you called my name?"
The athiest replied since I am not a Christian would it be to much for me to ask that he Grizzly
treat me as though he were a Christian. The Almighty said " fair enough" and the forrest returned to
normal. Then the Grizzly looked down upon the athiest and said " Our heavenly father please bless
this food to the nourishment of my body, guide and protect me throughout this day, Amen."
/ohmy.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':mellow:' /> c'mon that's some funny stuff right there I don't care who you are!
I love that joke…i've got a couple good bear ones but one of them I could never put here!
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a bear and rabbit are doing number two in the woods…the bear says to the rabbit, do you have any problem getting poo out of your fur? The rabbit replies, no not at all. So the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes with him!
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Why do atheists pay less tax?
They are a non-prophet group.
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For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Also if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child
turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card,
And write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, 'she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the
card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with
meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce
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The Secret Service had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists… Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife". The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife". The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said
"This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair"
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The Secret Service had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists… Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife". The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife". The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said
"This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair"
Love that one!
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2 20somethings are heading to the mountains to go skiing. Along the way to the mountains they hear an emergency weather report on the radio warning of a fast moving blizzard heading into the region and advising all with the range of his transmission to find shelter quick. The friends spot a huge ranch w/farmhouse not far off the main road and decide to try there for overnight lodging.
Upon knocking a pretty woman in her early 40s answers the door. They explain the situation and ask if they could stay until the storms blows over promising to leave in the morning. The woman explains she can provide lodging but as she's recently widowed it would be inappropriate for them to stay in the house but they could stay in the barn where there was heat. She provides them w/a quick meal, heavy blankets and bids them goodnite. The following morning, the guys after cleaning up after themselves and thanking the kindly widow continue on their way to the ski resort.
9 months later one of the buddies calls the other at work out of the blue and asks him if he remembers the ski trip where they had to stay in the barn. His ski-buddy remembers it well so his friend continues by asking if he went in the farmhouse after he fell asleep, had sex w/the widow and gave her his name instead of his own? After a few moments of dead silence, the guilty party admitted that he had done exactly that and apologized for his behavior. His buddy retorted, oh that's okay, her lawyer just called to say she died and left me everything
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A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation.
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
"Did anyone else see my face?" the robber asks. There are a few moments silence. Then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think me wife may have."
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A touching story of peace…
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who
had been going to the Western Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day,
every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he
was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to
leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an
interview." Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebbecca Smith from CNN. May I ask your
name?
"Morris Fishbien," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, the Jews, and the Muslims.
I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our
children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their
fellow man."
"And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a freaking wall."
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This guy is getting ready to head out to the gym on a Sunday morning when he gets a frantic phone call from his on again off again blonde girlfriend. Listen you've gotta get over to my apartment as fast as you can. I've been working on this jigsaw puzzle ALL WEEKEND and haven't matched a single piece yet. So the guy asks well have you been looking closely at the picture on the box and she says she has and nothing seems look like the rooster on the box's cover, please come over cuz she's freaking out. The guy rushes over to find her front door open and the blonde biting her lip in fixed concentration staring at the pieces spread out all over the kitchen table. The guy takes a very deep breath approaches her and says, Holly, i'm going to make us both a cup of tea and then i'm going to help you get all the cornflakes back in the box.
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3 large male dogs are sitting in the vet's waiting room. The first dog turns to the second one and says, what are you here for? The 2nd dog sadly explains that he's here for neutering because the vet said it would curb his wildness and possibly stop him from peeing on the furniture, most of which he'd wrecked at his masters' place. The other two dogs shook their heads sadly in sympathy. The first dog said, yeah, me too, my master collects antique furniture and i chewed the leg off a chair and he's hoping neutering will calm me down too. The three dogs shake their heads sadly. The first 2 say to the third, what's your deal? The third dog says that his master is this smoking hot woman who leaves the bathroom door open while she showers and he likes to wander in and watch her. Last night, he continues, I just couldn't contain myself anymore and when she bent over to towel herself off, I just jumped up on her and went for the gusto…the other two dogs' jaws dropped and the first one says so you must be in here for neutering too. The 3rd dog say, no, i'm just here to get my nails done.
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A Texas senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-30, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Texas State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard--I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Texas State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper
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Bruno told this joke on the Stern Sirius radio show 2 days ago….Do you know the difference between Seal and the regular seals at the zoo? After I was done w/him, Seal could balance 2 balls on his nose.
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Bruno told this joke on the Stern Sirius radio show 2 days ago….Do you know the difference between Seal and the regular seals at the zoo? After I was done w/him, Seal could balance 2 balls on his nose.
/ohmy.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=';)' />
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Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again, the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About a quarter mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"
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Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again, the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About a quarter mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"
hahahaa
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WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS!
Dear Advice Column
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for 10 years.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk
______________________________________
Dear Sheila:
My Colleague Mrs. Green is on holiday at present so maybe I can help with advice.
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no Debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches Solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter
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WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS!
Dear Advice Column
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for 10 years.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk
______________________________________
Dear Sheila:
My Colleague Mrs. Green is on holiday at present so maybe I can help with advice.
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
Debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches
Solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter
That would be even funnier if it weren't so darn true! /laugh.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=';)' />
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A Jewish grandmother and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water and she's standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet. All of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there ….. he was swept away.
The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries, "Lord, my GOD, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother?
Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to charity? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night?
Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of? Haven't I made chicken soup when my children were ill? Haven't I taught my family to love God?"
A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!"
A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there,smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat!"
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