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Nagging Wife
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him…….
'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she went upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
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The Mafia Lawyer:
A big city Mafia boss decides to hire a deaf accountant figuring that the man would never be able to testify in court against him concerning any shading dealings going on in the office around him. A few months go by and the Don decides to double check the books and notices about $10 million missing. He recalls his lawyer has a deaf family member and calls to ask him if he knows how to speak sign language. The lawyers acknowledges that he does so the Don tells him to go pick up the accountant and bring him down to the dockyard office for a little talk.
An hour later the accountant is sitting in front of the Don and the lawyer and the Don tells the lawyer to ask this idiot what happened to the $10 million. The lawyer begins signing to the accountant "Hey man, the Don's really pissed he says there's $10 million missing and wants to know where it is". The accountant shakes his head and starts signing back to the lawyer "I don't know what he's talking about. All the money is there, it's not missing, he's mistaken". The Don watches the exchange and says the lawyer "Well, what did he say?", The lawyer tells him that the accountant just told him that there's no missing money, everything's where it should be. The Don looks back and forth between the two and says "Oh really?", he reaches into his suit jacket pulls out gun, puts against the accountant's temple and says to the lawyer, "ask him again where the money is!" So the lawyer starts feverishly signing to the deaf man "Look, he's furious and going to kill you if you don't tell the truth! Just tell him where the money is!" The accountant signs frantically back to the lawyer "OK OK, i buried it behind my brother's work shed without him knowing it, it's in a briefcase. My brother lives at 1453 Maple Lane!". So the Don watches this exchange and says "WELL?". The lawyer looks the boss right in the eye and says "He says he doesn't think you have the stones to pull the trigger".
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The masochist says to the sadist, "Beat me!"….the sadist says "No!"
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I was confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies.
Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking,
and one of them said he had hired a bull to
'service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those
agencies are doing.
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Some of my Neighbors voted for OBAMA and they seem offended by my ownership of a few guns.
In order to let them know I am tolerant of their position , I put this sign in my yard.
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A dyslexic rabbi with a one-legged parrot walks into a bra…
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A dyslexic agnostic man with insomnia…no wonder he stays up all night wondering if there is a DOG!
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Sharks won't eat clowns….they taste funny! (From the Fozzie bear joke book)
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The Elephant and Peter
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air..
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,
after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same f**king elephant.
This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bulls**t stories.
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The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Yeah, I'm thinking that'll leave a mark!
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the teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.
She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break ,
and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,
and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'
'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'
*
*
'Stay the f#@k away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.'
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the teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.
She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break ,
and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,
and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'
'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'
*
*
'Stay the f#@k away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.'
Funny, heard it as a dirty johnny joke some time ago w/Vietnam as the backdrop, still good though!
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Dirty Johnny and his father are walking through the park and the see two stray dogs going at it. Dirty Johnny asks his father what those two dogs are doing and his father tells him they're making a puppy. Later that night on his way to the bathroom, Johnny notices his parent's door is open and they're going at it hot & heavy. Johnny asks his father what they were doing and his father responds that they're trying to make Johnny a little brother or sister to which Johnny responds "well can you flip her over? I'd rather have a puppy!"
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/laugh.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='
' /> /ohmy.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='
' /> /laugh.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='
' /> LMFAO
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A Retiree from Alabama walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the retiree handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Retiree produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Retiree from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Retiree returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000? The Alabama Retiree replied, 'Where else in New York City , can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?
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Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!'
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Subject: The Human Body
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
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Grandma's boyfriend:
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his
toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the
comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she
started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your
Grandma home?'
The little boy re plied, 'Yeah, she 's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
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I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year
old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to
come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID
ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like the little ****.
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An athiest was walking through the woods one day enjoying all the wonders of nature. He
was having one of the most pleasurable days he could ever remember. All of the sudden a
Grizzly bear broke into the clearing and chased the atheist into the woods. As the athiest was
running through the trees he tripped and the Grizzly was on top of him in a split second. The
athiest cried out " God Help Me!" At that very instant the Grizzly froze as if in suspended
animation and a bright light shone through the forrests canopy. The voice of the Almighty
boomed from the heavens. " Why do you call on me now?" The atheist replied that it was very
hippocritical to have cried out for his help during this very fatal moment. The Almighty asked
"What shall I do since ,you admit that I should not help you and yet, you called my name?"
The athiest replied since I am not a Christian would it be to much for me to ask that he Grizzly
treat me as though he were a Christian. The Almighty said " fair enough" and the forrest returned to
normal. Then the Grizzly looked down upon the athiest and said " Our heavenly father please bless
this food to the nourishment of my body, guide and protect me throughout this day, Amen."
/ohmy.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':mellow:' /> c'mon that's some funny stuff right there I don't care who you are!
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