by Karen Frazier, Managing Editor
Paranormal Underground

It’s the Fourth of July. For those of you who have been listening to fireworks explode for days now, this is most likely a statement of the obvious. What may be less obvious, however, is that it is a gorgeous, sunny Fourth of July in the Pacific Northwest. Uncharacteristically for this time of year in Western Washington, the day dawned clear and golden. It is absolutely spectacular. As a matter of fact, it’s supposed to get up to 95 degrees today.

The last time we had sunshine on the Fourth was….oh hell. I can’t remember. It’s been a while.

Which is why I am here to share some Fourth of July safety tips with you.

No – wait. Don’t close your browser just yet. It’s not what you’re thinking. I’m not about to tell you to be careful with fireworks or to not leave your potato salad sitting in the sun for too long. Sure – those are hazards, all right. But the danger that I am about to share with you is far more insidious.

Sunless tanning lotion.

For those of you who have used it, I need not say anything else. For those of you considering it. Well….read on.

I am a silly, silly woman. I know that sunless tanning lotion is never a good thing – no matter how good it sounds in the marketing. The crap is impossible to apply evenly unless you have someone else buff it in with a sponge paintbrush. This is what we used to do before body building competitions. We’d get something called Dy-o-derm and stand naked in the locker room while someone spent three hours buffing the stuff into our skin with a sponge brush. You’ve seen the result. Trust me – if you see a tanned bodybuilder on stage, they are stinky with Dy-o-derm.

I have skin that is impervious to the sun. That’s okay, though. It is how I am able to be 87 years old and still look like this:

Okay – so I’m 43. But trust me – I look spectacular for 87.

Anyway – impervious to sun. Pasty pale. Tried sunless tanning lotion before but was streaky – haven’t tried it for years. Okay – caught up after my digression. Sorry about that.

I’ve more or less come to accept my pasty, pale state. It’s who I am, after all. Nothing can be done about it. But wait – now they have sunless tanning lotions that promise gradual tanning. Gradual! That would mean that over time, it will give you a little tan; however, it is a build up and barely noticeable on a day to day basis, right??? Shouldn’t this eliminate streaks? The gradual buildup.

I’m in marketing. I should know better.

There is nothing gradual about it. Last night I rubbed on lotion. This morning, I have streaks two shades darker than my normal skin color. So much for gradual.

And so, on this lovely Fourth of July when we will hit a rare 95 degrees in the Pacific Northwest, I will be dressed in a bee keeper suit so that no one can see my streaks. My only other hope is a re-application of the lotion to see if I can even things out. Or showering with a loofa for about 3-4 hours. I might wind up skinless, but I won’t be streaky.

Heed my warning, folks. Don’t let your smart selves get fished into marketing buzz. It isn’t gradual. Hopefully this warning hasn’t come too late. You there – with the bottle of lotion. Put it down. Step away. Embrace your pastiness. I’m going to. Just as soon as I can get this crap off of me.