by Karen Frazier, Managing Editor
Paranormal Underground Magazine

Welcome to Spamalot! I just spent the last hour cleaning out spam comments from our blog and IP banning them. 257 spam comments, to be exact. It doesn’t matter. I’m tilting at windmills. There will be another 257 tomorrow, just as there were around that number the day before. These varmints breed, and they breed quickly. Most days I don’t even bother trying to fight it. I just hit delete. And then, occasionally I think I can actually do something about these critters and I fight back. Unfortunately, my fight amounts to spritzing a little mosquito killer in a cloud of mosquitos. I may take out a few, but the rest carry on and persevere.

Spammers – you suck.

Now if anyone is reading this, and you’ve chosen to make spamming your life’s work, don’t get me wrong. I am sure that, as a human being, you are a lovely individual. But the work you do – that sucks.

As I shift through our spam filters on any given day, I’m inundated with profanity, porn, offers to enlarge parts that I don’t even have.

Those spammers, though – they’re tricky. They try to find little ways through the spam filters, and sometimes they do. They make an innocuous albeit generic little comment, perhaps (I LOVE your blog!) or call themselves by a celebrity name (OMG Angelina Jolie AND Miley Cyrus both visited my blog yesterday – I am SO popular and successful!) and the spam filters are fooled.

I do have an absurd affection for one of our regular spammers. I find the spam so darn amusing that I actually haven’t even attempted an IP ban. Check it out – lolorama the spammer. This stuff is gold.

Subcontract out’s show up directly it: smoking is present to of animals put down you. Sorry, to be so honest. Yep – that kind of brutal honesty cuts me to the core. Ouch.

There’s nothing like lighting that ahead cigarette in the morning, lurking out during a cigarette in the middle of the era, or having a cigarette with a goblet of wine or beer. We turn it, we understand. Ahhh…as I sit here with my ahead cigarette lurking out in the middle of the era while downing a goblet of beer, I’m happy to know that someone turns it. Truly, it makes me warm and fuzzy all over.

The actuality is, you don’t sense right on account of bloody long. The longer you smoke, the more symptoms you are in all probability to upon
* coughing
* difficult breathing
* cancer
* affection complaint

* kindness disease
* * long-standing bronchitis Y’know – I don’t sense right on account of bloody long. That’s entirely true, and I am ashamed of that. That is probably the reason I do suffer from affection complaint, and probably kindness disease as well. I wonder if there’s a pill for that.

Let’s phizog it: smoking is accepted to ravage you. Welp – I just learned this: Phizog is British slang for “the face”. I guess I can let this quaint colloquialism go in light of the message.

Yep – I love me some lolorama. Computer-generated ESL actually can provide some amusement in the midst of the ads for viagra and messages from Kate Winslet.

Here’s another of my favorite spammer tricks. I get a few spam a day in my email spam filter. Usually they are newsletters for male enhancement (something I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about – how I can enhance my maleness). On those spam, the first line is always this: You are receiving this newsletter because you have opted to do so. Opted how? By breathing?

Yes – I get that most spam is sent by spambots. Most spam filters figure it out and get rid of it pretty darn quickly. In the end, it winds up being wasted time and wasted technology – both of which could be better spent on legitimate industry. Just think of it – where would we be if we put our energy into actually creating something other than the quick buck? Not just spammers – but humanity as a whole. Would we no longer be oil-dependent? Would we have clean and sustainable energy? Would we finally meet Angelina Jolie face-to-face? And most importantly, would we finally phizog ourselves and know that we can cure our affection complaint and kindness disease?

To paraphrase my good friend, lolorama: Base, to be so honest. We certain that you deceive heard and read all close to the dangers of spamming uncountable times, and yet you remain to spam.

No truer words have ever been spoken.