by Karen Frazier, Managing Editor
I hear this a lot as advice given from experienced investigators to those seeking to become fledgling investigators.
“Don’t go into it expecting your own TV show.”
Wait. What? Seriously? No TV show? But that is why I got into the paranormal. And cooking. And crab fishing on boats in Alaska. And doing dirty jobs. And going on Japanese game shows. I’ve been doing all of this and you are telling me that I am not going to get my own TV show? Well that is a rip off of grand proportions. I spent six weeks vomiting over the side of a crab boat on the Bering Sea and no one is going to put me on TV? It’s time to write my congressman!
It seems that in this day and age, one of our inalienable rights as American citizens is our own TV show. As a matter of fact, I am nearly certain that it has passed Congress as an amendment to the constitution. Hasn’t it? Any day now someone is going to discover my unique ghost hunting, crab fishing, cooking, room decorating, dirty job doing sparkling personality and they are going to make me a star. It’s time for my 15 minutes of fame. Really. I. Am. Not. Kidding. If I don’t get it, there will be lawsuits. Frazier v. Warhol – watch for it!
You think I am kidding? I’m totally not! If Paris Hilton, perhaps the least interesting person on the face of the earth, can get a TV show with Nicole Ritchie, the second least interesting person on the face of the earth, then surely someone can put my life on television. After all, I am just as interesting as Jason and Grant, John and Kate, Sig Hansen (wait – nobody is as interesting as Sig Hansen!) and that guy who walked around naked all of the time on Survivor. I’ve snaked a toilet and hunted ghosts. I’ve raised kids. I’ve had shocking break ups. I’ve lived in Seattle (that is as close as I can come to the Godlike Sig), I’ve walked around my house naked.
Can I throw a hissy fit like Okarina? No wait. That wasn’t her name. I have to go Google. Be right back.
Oops – wasn’t even close. Take two!
Can I throw a hissy fit like Omarosa? Sure! Try me!!! Can I get crazy like Janice Dickinson? Just you watch me!! Can I affect a magic ponytail like Kris Williams? You betcha! Do I have phobias like Steve Gonsalves? Can’t even look at a PICTURE of a snake, thank you very much.
I would be very entertaining.
So here’s my idea for my reality show – producers, take note. I am a paranormal investigator who is also a fancy cook and a CRAZY personality. I will dress in the latest designer fashions while attempting to hunt for the ghosts of the Titanic on a the Northwestern (driven by the fabulous Sig Hansen – who’d better not steal my spotlight) up in the North Atlantic. When things go wrong on the boat – as can happen – I will be called upon from my quick fire cooking challenges to snake out clogged toilets and other plumbing issues. Of course, the supporting cast and crew can prank me by telling me I am about to do the dirty job of cleaning a fish and – whoa! It’s really a snake! Be prepared for a Mimosa-style – oh wait – that’s Omarosa. Be prepared for an Omarosa-style freak-out where I scream at everyone with the exception of the magnificent Sig Hansen. Mike Rowe can narrate. Of course he can!!!
It’s gold. GOLD I tell you. How could anyone not watch? Producers, are you reading this?